The Catalyst.

I’ve no doubt that Liam, this time last year, even gave me a second thought after sending the email, which like everything else in our “relationship”, was never exclusive …

Perhaps days later he breathed a sigh of relief, that I had taken him at his word, and not contacted him … but I had no intention of slipping away quietly … Did he honestly believe my self esteem was so low I’d not object to being so unceremoniously dumped? Or that I would meekly do as he demanded and ” delete ALL and ANY pictures of me”? The final insult for me, perhaps, was the fact he had not even used my name, which led me to believe I was not the only recipient of this email … and I was later proved right …

While I’m all for ” fighting fire with fire ” I can’t help but think Liam really doesn’t have a leg to stand on … ( those of you who know his true identity should excuse the pun …) How dare he defend his outrageous behaviour to anyone who will listen and try to discredit the women HE preyed on and manipulated for his sick and twisted kicks?

A man whose definition of ” trust” is keeping his secrets, of not discussing his sick behaviour and never, revealing his depraved and perverted fantasies …

The end, which came a year ago today, left me devastated and heartbroken. There was a  DM on the 24th but I never responded to it … I just had to let go …  Letting my husband leave without a fight was already a regret, but being alone was just unbearable …

Feeling not only hurt but extremely foolish, ( bearing in mind my earlier reservations) I found myself spontaneously bursting into floods of tears … I was just inconsolable. But like everything it passes … Discovering he was indeed, in a relationship with another woman was a bitter pill to swallow, it meant nothing he had said to me was meant and for him it had all been a game …

I’d suspected as much of course, but being a relatively trusting person I believed him when he denied it. I recall his rage when I challenged him over little things that led me to believe there were others, I had all but forgotten it … There were many times he disappeared midway through conversations using excuses such as going to the bathroom or taking meds. I found myself waiting, sometimes up to an hour, and he would come back forgetting the conversation and asking me to remind him where we were …

Halfway through a bottle of Rioja, for some reason I was drawn to listening again to the speeches he sent me months earlier … Chillingly it seemed, this man speaking was a stranger to me … A campaigner for good causes, and putting the world to rights, was the side he wanted people to see and admire. The real Liam pursued intimidated and manipulated vulnerable woman, compassionate women who had written to him after reading his book of how he was abused as a child. And how he took advantage … charming and flattering us and making us feel things we’d long ago forgotten … A cruel and unbearably heartless game that I for one, will never, forgive …

It was only recently I re read Liam’s book, thinking perhaps there would be a clue somewhere … and I was not disappointed … Reading through the lines he admits to telling tall stories … ” I don’t know how I came out with that tale but it was obvious **** was impressed and, from that day his attitude to me changed.” Shockingly his manipulation skills started at the tender age of nine, not only with his peers, but also the nurses who cared for him …

Even I however, was shocked to see the name HE used, to defend HIMSELF on a website in which his credibility was been discussed, in HIS book. He pretended to be a woman … but he wasn’t as smart as he believed …

It seems Liam never forgave a certain nurse, who in his mind deserted him 54 years ago … I believe he has disrespected all women ever since …

 

 

 

The Diary … June 2013

In the last few weeks I’ve finally reached the conclusion I can no longer continue my association with Liam. The incident that occured last week constantly replays in my mind and I feel no longer able to make excuses for him.

Not for the first time I’ve questioned why I somehow freeze as he types things I’ve asked him not to, but since I’ve taken to not replying the emails have slowed down dramatically.

Its starting to feel almost humiliating, as what began as a supposedly intense friendship, rapidly developed into what I can only describe as a deep mutual love, has now been reduced to sleazy conversations on his part and a distinct lack of respect for my feelings.

Its all so different from that time so long ago … as Liam swept into my life like a hurricane, I barely had time to catch my breath … I embraced the exitement of being pursued after years of respectable contentment …

The children were grown, my husband was absent a lot, but this indulgence, this gift, seemed something just for me … and how I revelled in it, putting my whole life on a back burner while I let the infatuation consume my whole being … I never felt more alive as he drop fed me compliments at regular intervals during the day …

It seems now that chapter is over, never to return, and in its place are incessant demands insults and extreme manipulation. Its often hard to respond to Liam immediately as I have, after all, other things to attend to …

More recently he has been both intolerant and unreasonable which stresses me to such an extent I have no option but to turn off all devices. This never goes down well but it does at least, give me some breathing space.

As Liam’s true colours emerge more each day I wonder how I ever saw the wood for the trees … He takes what he wants from me and leaves the rest scattered in bits … He has no thought for me when I fail to comply with his demands and either hangs up or signs out. If I have an opinion that differs from his own to him its not even worth discussing as HE must always be right.

He begs me to let him see me but my webcam is securely taped up … I meekly apologise for my laptop being so old it doesn’t have that facility … He attempts to video call me and I neither decline or accept unsure whether he can tell that actually I do have a camera …

He asks me what I’m wearing and I tell him, jeans and a “visit Scotland” T shirt … ” Did I ever tell you that I can’t stand jeans on either men or women once they are over 25? Just one of my hates.”, he typed, and I giggled out loud … Did he think I was going to stop wearing jeans?

My mind drifts briefly to my husband, who rarely being one to give compliments, at least was never so opinionated … How I miss him now … and my desperate yearning for “space” is nothing but a bad memory …

Dishonourable

 

( If you follow me on Twitter ( @jolev80) and have been affected by Liam and would like to share your story, please feel free to contact me.)

 

 

Liam, if he could only see, is his own worst enemy … If he was any kind of man he would hold his hand up, admit to his mistakes and have the decency to stop stalking the women he so cruelly deceived into loving him …

Honestly, its a fool’s game on his behalf re-opening his Twitter account as his reputation has finally proceeded him. Once held in such great esteem for speaking out on moral issues, he failed to grasp that his own character should be nothing less than squeaky clean … it was not. He would be shocked, if he were to know, the women who have, not only contacted me, but also mentioned his name.

He should also be aware that just because a woman is married, or in a high profile job, that would not deter her from sharing her story with another woman who had suffered a similar fate … Just as in criminal cases, it is the right of the victim, to remain anonymous …

I’m actually staggered by the number of women affected by Liam, he could almost be forgiven for not remembering what he said to who … But then there was the template element … surely it was no coincidence that we all received emails that were virtually word for word … ?

Liam’s latest Twitter account ( from a man who objects to fake accounts) is malicious vengeful, and extremely bitter. The audacity of him twisting things told to him in confidence, in a manner intended to discredit the accounts of the women HE abused is appalling.

I make no excuses for confiding in Liam, he misrepresented himself and gained my trust under false pretences. He spoke of being abused regularly by he own wife and painted a picture so bleak, I was constantly concerned for his safety.

There were many questions Liam asked me, that I chose not to answer … Perhaps subconsciously even then I felt  to reveal so much of myself to a virtual stranger would not have been the smartest of moves … I have since been proved right …

While Liam spitefully bitches about things he feels would show the women in a bad light … he conveniently forgets not so long ago he was thanking them for existing … His references to drugs are almost laughable considering the vast quantities he takes himself and thats without the marijuana … which clearly makes him permanently paranoid …

I will admit there have been times in my life I have used both drugs and alcohol to excess and I have also self-harmed. I see it as coping stratergies … Had I told Liam these things I’ve no doubt he would have used them against me and suggested I was somewhat unhinged …

To address the issues of involving Liam’s wife, let us not forget, HE, involved her from the onset … Not only did he accuse her of physically and verbally abusing him he also told me that his wife was a lesbian, and they had not been intimate for six years … I was somewhat confused when only days later he told me that she had men friends who visited her … while he, was present …

“I’m not a bad person” he will say, more to convince himself than others … and I cringe … What kind of man would initiate online relationships with vulnerable women who had showed him only compassion? Simultaneous relationships in fact, as there were many on the go at any given time … And what kind of husband badmouths his own wife to strangers in order to gain sympathy … ?

I’m not even shocked that he takes to Twitter posing as a supporter of himself to defend his outrageous behaviour, sure I can think of no one who would defend such a horrible person … Sadly he has overlooked “Jan” will never be able to do more than post a few pathetic tweets … as he, is merely another extension of Liam …

Amoral

 

They say time is a great healer. While I will not let what happened with Liam define me, I will NEVER, stop blogging tweeting and raising awareness about a man I believe needs to be exposed as a dangerous psychopath and online sexual predator. I accept that when he wrote his book over twenty years ago his sole intention was to shame the people who abused him … just as I find myself doing now …

To be abused as a child is something that never goes away … To be forced to touch an adults genitals and have them force their tongue into your mouth is beyond terrifying, and is at such a young age, something you feel is your fault … To be ordered to take your clothes off … and when you get to your vest and knickers its still not enough … and they feign sadness … that you don’t love them as much as they love you … and you are so confused, almost as though you are on autopilot as you do everything you are told to do …

While I accept Liam and I were both “mature adults”, ( his words not mine ), nothing could have prepared me for his obsession with what happened to me as a child. Having spent many years feeling ashamed and tainted, finally, it seemed, I had someone willing to listen, someone who told me a problem shared was a problem halved … where nothing was taboo … as though he really cared …

Like my abuser Liam groomed and manipulated me to such an extent I was highly emotionally dependant on him. There were many times he lost his patience with me for not agreeing to video calls where we would be able to “see eachother”, and often he gave me the silent treatment for failing to comply. I was deeply saddened by the lack of consistancy but by that time it seemed Liam no longer felt the need to impress me …

Shortly afterwards he felt it was somehow acceptable to speak of things that in my niavety I knew little of. Group sex threesomes and lesbians were merely something I had read of, but had never, experienced first hand nor was it something that appealed to me and I told him so. He persisted in talking of these things and it continued to make me feel extremely uncomfortable.

Like the young girl I was, who was temporarily stunned by the things that happened to me, I felt it again and somehow froze as his words appeared and I shuddered … dumbstruck and unable to pull away …

As a survivor of CSA I respected Liam, was in awe of him even, and extremely flattered by the compliments he showered on me at regular intervals during the day … It was never my intention for it to go any further than friendship … but I inadvertently overlooked my need to be loved so intensely … the way he described … the way he promised …

It wasn’t just his talk of french kissing me passionately ( although that in itself drove me wild with desire), or holding me in his arms … or even that he told me he wanted to be with me forever … it was so many things … all of which were nothing but sweetalk … a means to get what he wanted … a naked woman performing for him on skype … which I am happy to say he did not achieve with me.

The revelations of Liam’s truly despicable character, which started emerging last August, continue to shock me more than I could have imagined possible. To say I feel robbed would be a massive understatement. My marriage, which shattered into a million pieces because of my association with Liam sadly seems impossible to repair but at least we are talking …

I consider myself neither malicious or vindictive, myself and the other ladies did nothing to deserve this, it was not our fault. The aftermath of Liam’s actions lay with Liam alone. He must take responsibility … I continue to question how a person can be quite so evil …

Liam’s lies.

jolev80:

#PDgate #amwriting #onlinepredator

Originally posted on The Narcissist And His Trail of Destruction.:

Whether or not the images Liam sent to myself and at least one other, were in in fact of his wife or from a porn movie are completely irrelevant. The fact that he suggested they were shocked me to such an extent I couldn’t think of a single thing to say in response.

If, and I emphasize if, it was true, how could he be so disloyal and betray her so cruelly to someone he didn’t even know … someone he was merely typing words on a computer to? If indeed it was a fantasy, ( another of his buzz words) in a mind littered with depravities, it was unforgiveable he should cast doubt on a person not only unaware of his allegations, but unable to defend themselves.

I thought about Liam far more than was healthy. After he planted the thought in my mind he was being abused on…

View original 419 more words

Contemptible

 

I’m unsure just what triggered last night’s outburst, (which was to continue again this morning), but it seems Liam is on a roll … His latest Twitter account, this time posing as a supporter of himself ( as opposed to a victim of himself ) dares to tell me my campaign against him is a disgrace! Catching me completely off guard, I actually responded, accusing him of creating yet another fake account … to which he did not reply …

“2sidestoeverystory”? Could there honestly be any excuse for hitting on vulnerable women? For emotionally blackmailing them into loving him because of his lies of being verbally and physically abused by his own wife? This man

 

who, is a first class manipulator actor storyteller narcissist and psychopath, doesn’t have an ounce of decency in his entire scrawny body …

I had no intention of having any romantic involvement with him, ( as I have since learned was the case with the other women), but due to my low self esteem, I was swept into it, seemingly oblivious of his absolute hold over me. I can say with no exaggeration, by week 3 I was putty in his hands … almost … I thought of sending the pictures he wanted of course, but there was just the slightest bit of doubt … so I resisted … again and again …

The pictures he sent me of himself in white Calvin Klein boxers actually made me cringe … I honestly couldn’t figure out if he was aroused or not … I felt extremely embarrassed for him … I asked him to not send anymore and for a while there was no more talk of it. His conversations were constantly about threesomes and when I objected he was quick to remind me that “We are both adults”.

The pictures began arriving again with titles such as “Pics you asked for” or “As requested”. At these times I was quick to refer him to my emails where I had  stated catergorically I did not want them, it made me feel uncomfortable. He did not respect my wishes.

” Rejected by a wrinkly old man”? He has to be kidding me! How I wish I had been rejected or better still never hit on in the first place … How I hated the crude words he used and his insistance he shared “adventures” with me. How he re traumatised me taking me back to a place it had taken me decades to forget … and how he told me to share and trust …

Not only did he bully me he exploited, manipulated and sucked the life out of me. He told me I needed him. I was virtually helpless and alone, my husband having left, because of my “obsession” with him, and still he pressured me into talking to him on chat programs with an intent of trying his damndest to make me perform naked on skype for him …

A man well used to playing the victim, indeed he has done it for so many years he has it down to a fine art, does not deserve sympathy empathy or even kindness. Not only is he selfish egotistical and self-obsessed, he is cruel heartless and beyond evil. Liam is no victim he is a perpetrator, and a potential danger to vulnerable women the world over …

Unscrupulous.

 

There are times when I wonder how Liam can look in the mirror without vommiting. How he dares to attempt to justify his despicable behaviour to vulnerable women, some survivors of CSA whose only crime was to show compassion to him.

I’ve no doubt there will be those who will say … but you were grown women … not young niave girls … but I can only say, at the time it didn’t feel that way. I will go one step further and say such was the level of his manipulation I allowed him to talk to me in a way I can only describe as inappropriate. It always made me feel uncomfortable and I tried in vain to steer the conversations back to the way they were in the beginning, but he was having none of it … ” We are mature adults Jo”, he said …

After the shock of discovering he had indeed been in an online relationship with another woman, I felt driven to analyse every email text and DM. The texts, which were very few, tended to be brief, invariably one liners giving out to me because I had not responded immediately to one of his emails. The DM’s were rather infrequent by this point, so it was mostly emails, although even that had dwindled to every few days.

I remember looking at my emails in early August last year and thinking I was going insane …I  couldn’t have possibly have written those things … And then I looked further back … and saw it … ” I need the password as well as the username”, and I gasped in disbelief … I had actually given it to him …

As my heart pounded uncontrollably I could only read in horror emails in my sent items I had absolutely no recollection of whatsoever … Perhaps I will never know if he emailed himself from my account or if I was so brainwashed he had manipulated me into doing it … I took no chances and immediately changed my password … but not before I created a whole new email account … I’m happy to say since then he has been unable to contact me …

Liam continues to use fake Twitter accounts in order to avidly devour the conversations between the women he played his cruel games with. He then sends threatening emails with an intention to guilt trip and further distress. His main Twitter account ( which as yet he has not tweeted from) presumably is to intimidate us …as if to say … “I’m watching” … What can I say …? Watch away … the best is yet to come …!